Every week on Monday morning , the Council and our invited guests weigh in at the Watcher’s Forum, short takes on a major issue of the day, the culture, or daily living. This week’s question: What Are Some Of Your Favorite Jokes?
Wolf Howling :An order of friars in a small town in N.Y. needed to make repairs to their belfry but did not have sufficient funds. They decided to open up a florist shop to raise the money. Word soon got out and their business venture became a huge success, as many customers not only appreciated their fine service, but also liked the idea of supporting a religious order with their business. But not everyone was happy with this turn of events. The owner of a rival flower shop who had seen half his business lost to the friars paid them a visit to ask them to get out of the business. He begged, he pleaded, he even offered to pay for the new belfry himself, but the friars refused. Consequently, the rival florist hired, Hugh McTavish, a local thug with a terrifying reputation, to visit the friars and strong arm them into closing their business. And that is what he did. Hugh McTavish went to the friars, told them if they did not get out of the business he would start breaking bones, then he trashed the shop and left. Consequently, the friars closed their business.
The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Earlier this month, Hillary walked into her private office to plan out her election strategy when, in a burst of light, Satan appeared before her. Hillary literally fell out of her chair she was so frightened. She was about to scream for the Secret Service, when Satan said, “There is no need to scream. I am not hear to harm you, Mrs. Clinton. Please, sit down. I am hear to help you.”
Hillary, recovered from her initial, sits down and eyes Satan warily. “What do you mean, help me?”
“You wish to become the first woman President of the United States, yes?”
Hillary nods cautiously.
“Well,” says Satan, “if you continue on your current path unaided, you will never be elected. You have simply too many scandals, too few accomplishments, and the United States has suffered too much over the past six years of Democrat rule.”
“No, this can’t be,” exclaims Hillary.
“It’s true,” says Satan. “I wish it were otherwise. But, if you allow me, I can help you. I can make sure you are elected President in 2016. Now, before you ask, let me say, my help is not free.”
“So what will you want,” asks Hillary.
“I’ll require souls, of course. Souls to join me in everlasting damnation. And since this will be such a big job, I will need not just your soul, but also the souls of your family, everyone who campaigns for you, and the souls of everyone who votes for you.”
Hillary looks troubled as she thinks for a moment, She shakes her head and says “I don’t get it. Where is the catch?”
A woman of forty decided to visit a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her about this brand new procedure he had just developed.
“What we’ll do,” the doctor said, “is plant a small knob on the back of your head. Every few years, you can just reach back and tighten it. This will draw up you skin and give you the effect of a brand new face lift. It should keep you from having to go repeatedly into surgery every few years.”
The woman decides to undergo this new procedure and is quite pleased with the results. The doctor hears nothing more from the woman for fifteen years. Then she shows up in his office one day.
The woman says to the doctor, “All these years, that little knob worked fine. Every year or so I would just reach back and give myself a new facelift. But it’s not working anymore. First of all, look at these huge bags I have under my eyes.”
The doctor says to her “Ummm, ma’am, those are your breasts.”
The woman looks surprised for a moment, then says “well, I guess that explains the goatee.”
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you‘ve been giving me have really helped, but I‘m afraid that you‘re giving me too much. I‘ve started growing hair in places that I‘ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor tried to reassure her “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
”On my testicles.”
Don Surber : I’ll tell you my favorite Pollack Joke. First, can you speak Polish? No? How does it feel to be dumber than a Pollack?
(Told to me by my my cousin Tony Zbrowskis circa 1968)
Puma By Design : Jokes, ugh!
#1 , I am bad at telling jokes….really, really bad.
#2, I don’t know any which pretty much explains number 1.
So I took to Twitter to see what I could find. Brace yourselves, better yet don’t. Sorry if language offends anyone.
Ask Marion :
Laura Rambeau Lee, Right Reason: A good clean one!
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. The rider was a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said “Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again sobbing: “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
The Glittering Eye :Over the years I’ve posted quite a few of my favorite jokes at The Glittering Eye. For example, there are several Christmas jokes and the only Hanukkah joke I know in this post. Here’s one I don’t think I’ve posted before. It’s not a joke so much as an amusing anecdote. When I first heard it the chap telling it swore it happened to him. It’s Irish dialect humor (like a lot of my favorite jokes) and that’s tricky to transcribe so bear with me.
A man landed at Shannon Airport and was surprised to see two clocks on the wall, one reading “10:00” and the other “10:10”. He buttonholed one of the passing Irishmen and asked him “Why do those two clocks have different times?” The Irishman thought for a moment and then said “Now what would be the p’int of havin’ two clocks an’ they bot’ read the shame toime?”
I’ve gotten started so I’ll tell you another. Every night Pat staggered home from the pub at midnight. His wife, Bridget, could hear him stumbling through the kitchen until he reached the sink where he threw up noisily. One night she thought she’d teach him a lesson. She put a bucket of hog’s intestines into the sink and waited, shivering with laughter, until her drunken husband returned home. Sure enough, she heard him fumbling at the lock, staggering into the kitchen, and then, unexpectedly, there was a long silence. Finally, Pat shuffled into the kitchen saying “Sure but I had the froight o’ me loife until I got t’em back down.”
JoshuaPundit : Two of the first jokes I remember hearing had a sci-fi meme. Here’s the one I feel I can tell while keeping this SFW:
An alien space ship came to earth, and needless to say the scientists went crazy. They and the alien team spent days sharing data of culture, anatomy, technology, what have you. Finally one of the aliens said One thing we’re in confusion about is how you reproduce.”
The earth scientists tried for over two hours, but they couldn’t get the concept across, Finally one of them looked at his assistant and said, “Miss Jones, this is a unique opportunity for science. Would you mind joining me in a demonstration so the aliens can see for themselves what we’re talking about?”
She agreed, they disrobed and proceeded to go at it together on a handy lab table. The aliens were very excited by this, and finally one of them asked, “What happens next?”
The earth scientist replied, “Well, if my sperm cell and her eggs interact, in 9 months we have a human baby.”
The aliens were very perplexed, and after talking among themselves, one of them said, “One question. If it takes 9 months, why were you two in such a hurry at the end?”
A rabbi died and went to his eternal reward. He noticed a group of Angels singing and dancing as they escorted a man into Heaven ahead of him, and one of the Angels actually asked him to step aside so they could proceed. Afterwards, an Angel came up to the rabbi and escorted him in without ceremony.
The rabbi said to the Angel, “You know, I’m not complaining, but I am a rabbi, and the man who went in ahead of me was just an Egged bus driver” (Egged is one of the two major Israeli bus companies).
The Angel replied, “Well rabbi, it’s like this. Your preaching, well, it mostly put people to sleep. But let me tell you, every time that guy drove his bus you never saw such praying.”
My father was a workaholic. Whenever people mentioned work, he started drinking (swiped from Rodney Dangerfield and who knows who else!)
Virginia Right! : Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this… A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows, “complains the man again.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, this check is only made out for $50.” “That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.” “But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have.
Well, there you have it.
Make sure to tune in every Monday for the Watcher’s Forum. And remember, every Wednesday, the Council has its weekly contest with the members nominating two posts each, one written by themselves and one written by someone from outside the group for consideration by the whole Council. The votes are cast by the Council, and the results are posted on Friday morning.
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